one step closer

     On Friday the 18th  Dr.Carabine put the porta cath in.  He placed it on my right side by the clavicle bone and attached to my neck blood vein.  Today is Monday the 21st and it is still very sensitive.  Now as soon as it heals a little bit more, I can start the Chemo... I am NOT looking forward to it! but the sooner I start it, the sooner I am done with it!!  I am headed to Phoenix on Thursday until Monday to go see Lynette.  I am so excited to go to the sunshine and have fun and relax with my best friend :)  I need to get in as much sunshine as possible cuz  I have to avoid the sun after I start the chemo :(.... I will be the fully clothed person on the boat this summer ha ha ha oh well got to do what you got to do ;)

Stop shooting at my hot air baloon!!!

   In Shelly's world it's full of fluffy clouds, singing birds, rainbows, unicorns, and a smiling sunshine.  And I am floating along enjoying all of it.  But they keep shooting at my balloon! and letting out the air! and it keeps drifting into the dark valley, with the twisted trees, scary shadows, spiders, and snakes.  I am working so hard to keep my balloon up in the fluffy clouds, but right now I am in the horizon.  That is how I feel about this whole cancer crap...But all of my family and friends  and Father in Heaven are helping me and lifting me up so that  I stay out of the dark, scary, valley... and I am so grateful... and no I am not smoking anything either!!! LOL

Doctors = reality checks

     Doctors = reality checks....Feb 1st I went back to the clinic that I had the colonoscopy and he kept telling me how good it was that I went when I did and I didn't wait.  He also kept looking at me with such compassion,  finally he told me I had a long road ahead of me and it was going to be difficult.   What the freak was that about!?  I said as I left the office.  I had no idea that I had come so close to being stage 4 cancer!! I didn't realize I was literally days away of the cancer spreading to my liver and lungs, and that it is as deadly as it is.  I guess as I am ready for more info I get it.
     Feb 10th I go to the oncologist.... Holy smokes another reality check....I have to have chemo for 6 months, but not only that its different drugs and chemos that take over 2 days!!! Not expected again!! I go in get an infusion for 2 hours go home with a fanny pack of chemo for 24 hours go back and get 2 more hours infusion and go home with an other fanny pack for another 24 hours. Go back in for some shots and they unhook me. For me to do it again in 2 weeks... First of all, seriously a fanny pack!!! hello people I have an image to uphold!!! second of all, after all that... there are no guarantees! it could still come back, but that means Liver or Lungs...but can't worry about that right now.  I have to stay positive.
     Feb 15th I  went to the surgeon to talk about the porta cath that will be necessary... um yucky and scary but better than needles!!! I get that done on Friday the 18th.  They don't put you completely out for that,  Lord help me not say anything embarrassing!!! I won't hold my breath....
     Then I can start the chemo... 

Me Knit! never say never

     Saturday Feb 5th  my sister Dana cooked dinner for me and my sisters Carrie, Jana, Mindy and Mom.  It was so yummy and fun!!  They gave me a Knitting kit and Carrie taught us the basics.  I think I am going to enjoy my new hobby LOL...can't believe I said that ha ha ha

Going Home

     Surgery was on Monday the 17th of Jan.  I get to go home on Saturday the 22nd.  I go to my parents home and stay there for a few days.  It was nice to have my mom take care of me and cook for me and have the family around me.  My family and friends get silver bracelets that say what cancer cant do...
                 It can not cripple Love. It can not Shatter Hope. It can not corrode faith.
                 It can not eat away peace. It can not destroy confidence.
                 It can not kill friendships. It can not shut out memories.
                 It can not silence courage. It can not reduce eternal life.
                                    It can not quench the spirit
 and necklaces that say Faith, Hope, & Love.  The guys get blue cancer sucks bands and Dana and Carrie make bracelets for the kids.  How cool is that!!!
     Rocio set up an charity account at the credit union to help with my medical bills.  My insurance is a joke  more like a discount card.  I have applied for help, I have no idea how I am going to pay for all of this,  but I have faith that I will be ok.  How can I not be with such a wonderful support system!!!
Thank you so much if you have put money in the account for me I so so appreciate it!!!!

   

Recovery

     I am brought to my room and I have a VERY cute male nurse :) lol that works..... later I get 2 more cute male nurses.... I thank my guardian Angel ha ha ha....  I am still a little foggy the nurse tells me I can have some Ice chips ( this is day 9 of no food and he tells me I can have one and a half cups of ice that is it)  I joke with him that's fine if its over fruit punch.  My family come in the room and I just want to hold their hands and connect with each of them.  I love them so so much!  I am seeing double and I tell my sister Jana " It's a good thing your pretty cuz I can see 2 of you"  Clint and his Family bring me flowers I love them! I am so happy, as strange as that sounds, with everything I am going through and facing, my family and friends and clients show me so much love and support that I am so blessed and happy and strengthened.   The flowers are the 1st of many and I love and appreciate each one that I get.  Dana & Carrie come have lunch with me everyday and I have so many visitors each day.  All of my little nieces and nephews make me get well cards. they bring so much joy to me.   Tony doesn't leave my side the whole time.   The nurses tell me how good the room smells from the flowers and comment on how many visitors I have.  I am so blessed
     I have a few complications,  the epideral is in too far and my legs are completely numb.  I am not able to get out of bed like I'm supposed to.  I have very sharp pains in my bladder.  They have to remove the epideral, they are concerned that I may leak spinal fluid so I have to lie flat while, but thank goodness that doesn't happen.  It took a couple days to figure out the pain meds because I am super sensitive to them.  They want me up for 4 to 6 hours a day which I am determined to do and I do it most days,  but the recovery is harder than I ever thought it would be,  and the pain is intense ,  but as soon as I can feel my legs and I can walk I get up from that point on with no help :) 

Surgery

     I was so scared but strangely calm.  I had never had any kind of surgery.  My first 2 IVs were the week before.  I stayed with Tony that night and we tried to encourage and calm each other.  Tony had lost his dad to a heart attack, his mom to breast cancer, his grandma to colon cancer,and we had lost my grandpa Hancock to lung cancer, and my uncle David to pancreatic cancer.  My mom is a breast cancer survivor.  We had seen what cancer can do.  We both just wanted it out of me.
     We report to the surgery floor they take me back to fill out paperwork.  I come back out and half of the waiting area was there for me.  I gave lots of hugs and told everyone how much I love them. I feel calm and strong.  They call me back.  My mom and Tony can go with me. Carrie gets to come back for a little bit too.  They have me change, do the IV and the surgeon comes and talks to me briefly,  he tells me my left ovary looks suspicious and enlarged so he might have to remove it too.  I was caught of guard with that news too!! again no symptoms and no idea I had issues with my ovaries!!! I worry there is cancer in the ovary too.  The aneth...pain doctor,  I am not even going to try to spell it!! came and talked to me.  They talked me into an epider.al, later I would regret that choice.  and he wheeled me into surgery room. I was scared, my glasses were off so I could not see anything, I was glad about that.  I hold the nurses hand tightly as he gives me the spinal block.  They ask me to lie back and that is my last memory until I wake up gasping for air.  I cant breath,, I can't see I have never felt so sick in my life.  They couldn't get me to wake up or to breath, they had to bag me again.  I was scared and confused.

Surrounded with Love

     Tony called my parents my mom was not home but my dad rushed to the clinic.  He got a hold of my mom and she called Carrie my baby sister who had the horrible job of calling the family.  As I walked out to the car, numb and in shock, my dad pulled up he gave me a big hug and I melted into his arms.  Carrie called me as I was getting in the car and I started to sob.  I don't understand why I eat my fiber one bars damn it!!!!  I don't have and never have had problems with my digestion what the hell???? She told me I was going to be ok and it was ok to cry.   We headed to my grandma's house where my mom would be.  My sisters all had left work and came over too. By 5:00 that night all of my brothers and sisters, except Shane cuz his kids were sick, and Chad cuz he was out of town.  I asked my dad for a blessing we called my Uncle Rob to assist. Jodi and Rob and my cousin Robert and his wife Erin, my dear friend Shelley, Tony of course, Jana, Dana, Carrie and Q, Chris, Clint and Jen, my Grandma H and my parents.  So much Love and support.  Everyone stopped what they were doing and surrounded me with love, and it gave me so much strength.  My blessing was wonderful it told me I was not alone that I would return to health that the doctors would take good care of me and that I had a guardian angel watching over me and guiding my doctors.  After the blessing I was like ok what are we doing here everything is going to be good. 
     I was to meet with the surgeon the following morning, I thought for surgery, but it was just for an office visit.   He ordered a CT scan because of my age and the size of the tumor they were concerned it had either started somewhere else or had spread.  I was scheduled for the CT scan that Friday 14th. I went for the CT on Friday by now I had gone 5 days of no food only liquid diet.  I would have to wait for the results until Monday the 17th when I went for surgery.  That was hard waiting and wondering if it was in my liver too.  Thank God it was not.
     My family held a fast for me on Sunday the day before my surgery.  We ended it at Jan's home, they had a wonderful dinner, I had chicken broth and Jello... Dana thought that was so cruel!! but I was ok with that.  By now I had gone 7 days without food.  If I can do that I can do anything!!! ha ha
     My dad gave me another blessing but that was a bit of a wake up call.  It told me it was going to be rough and some complications, but I had so many people praying for me friends and family.  I was on so many prayer lists and temples and churches and so so many people praying for me.  I got so much comfort and strength from that.  My work had let all of my clients that had appts with me know and they were all praying for me.  I was seeing how blessed I am. But that blessing scared the crap out of me, it was a reality check.

the diagnosis

     Today is the 3rd day of Feb a Thursday I think.  The last few weeks I don't know the day of the week, or the date.  Unless I have a doctors appt.  that's all the responsibilities I have had since the middle of Jan.  That and paperwork and forms, hoping for medical aid, since my health insurance is more of a discount card, IDK how they can even call it insurance.  But it will work out.  I can't spend my energy on that right now.  Thank God for my little sister Carrie she has taken care of most of that for me.
     I feel like the last 3 weeks have been a crazy bad dream.  I started to notice blood in my stool 3 days before Christmas.  I had been feeling run down and tired and like I had a touch of the stomach flu.  But there was more and more blood and it was not fresh and I knew it wasn't good.  Finally after much urging from Tony, my friends and family.  Especially my dear friend Lynette, I knew I could not talk to her again until I had an appt!!   I made an appt. for Jan 6th @ Dr. Lowes Office.  My friend Shelley went with me,  the doctor told me it sounded like Colitis But I needed to do a Colonoscopy  on the 12th.
     Tony and I had planned to go to Vegas for the CES show so we decided to go anyway and I would start the prep for the test while in Mesquite, then drive home the night before the test. I was sick with the flu and pretty miserable so I stayed in the motel most of the time, but it was nice and I enjoyed it.  The prep wasn't bad at all, I even fell asleep during it!  ha ha ha but I could not eat any food, liquid diet only.
     The day of the test Tony and Shelley went with me.  I wasn't real nervous about the test.  It was the first time I had even had an IV ever!!! that I didn't like, I don't do so good with needles, but I was brave.  They took me back I got on the table the doctor came and talked to me briefly and they asked me to roll on my side as they gave me the meds to knock me out....only it didn't work so well.  I was aware of the pain and I heard myself moaning finally I woke up completely during the procedure!!! I looked up at the nurse by my head and told her "your guys' drugs suck!" she said oh honey are you awake?  I said um yeah!! and thats the last I remember until I woke up when they were done with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I saw Tony and told him that they had hurt me.  A nurse came by and told me she woke up during hers too and how awful it was.  Tony Shelley and I were in the recovery room and the doctor came in and told me I had cancer.  The tumor was of significant size and he was going to see if I could have surgery that day to remove it!!! he walked out and I started to cry I was angry and in shock so were Tony and Shelley.  How could this be possible?  F@*# cancer!! F@*# that!!! are you F@#*$% kidding me!!! was my reaction.  Shelley said yep that's my Shell you are going to be just fine.